The dreaded "D" word

Divorce. Ugh. Just the word itself gives me anxiety. It has such a negative force behind it. And unfortunately for many of us, divorce is a part of our story. Once again, am I an expert? Nope. But I have been down that road, and it was a long one. I made it to the other side though and now I often find myself helping others who are going through divorce. And I am here to tell you that divorce doesn't have to be the end of your story. It's just a chapter... and yes it can be a dark one... but eventually this chapter will come to a close and you can find happiness, joy and love on the other side. Today, I like to say that I am a happily divorced girl. And I would venture to say that my ex husband is happily divorced too. And he's happily remarried to a girl that my children love and I love too! But getting to that happily divorced place in life took a little while. Here are some things I have discovered along the way.

People get divorced for all kinds of reasons. Some of those reasons are much worse than others. Obviously if you are coming from a really bad situation, there isn't a big chance of getting to a good place where you and your ex can be friends. And that is totally okay. But you can still take the steps necessary to move on, heal and eventually come to a place of peace. 

1. GO TO THERAPY

Seriously... if you have decided to get divorced, find a therapist asap. And if you can, encourage your ex to go to therapy too. There are going to be a ton of emotional ups and downs and having someone to talk to that isn't in your every day circle is going to help you sort through what you are feeling. It will also help you start the healing process. Because even though you have probably sworn off marriage and dating for the rest of your life, you will eventually move on and find love again. But if you aren't working through things properly, you will just end up devastating someone else and that isn't fair. You should always want to be your best self. Divorce can make you sad, mad, angry etc. And if you are dealing with a nasty ex, that can make things even worse. But don't let divorce make you mean. Lean on your friends, your family and get help from a professional.

2. DON'T DATE FOR SIX MONTHS (AT LEAST)

I can only say this now after real life experience... I know... (cue the eye roll.) It seems like a natural way to turn your frown upside down right? What's that quote? The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else... WRONG! When I left my marriage, I'm not going to lie, I couldn't wait to date again. It felt like I was free and I just wanted to be social and get back out there! And I did go on a couple of fun dates, don't get me wrong. But looking back, it was totally wrong of me to do that to my ex husband, the father of my children. It was also wrong to do that to my children, even though they were very little and had no idea what was going on, it was still wrong. In California, it takes at least six months to be officially divorced and free to marry again. And when you are going through it, that seems like forever. But six months is a great amount of time to just focus on you. If you have children who are old enough to know what is going on, I cannot tell you how crucial this waiting period is. They're lives are changing too, and in most situations, they don't really want this divorce to happen. Give them space to express how they're feeling and allow time for new routines to sink in. When that six month mark comes, you can evaluate your current status and decide if you are ready to even consider dating. You may feel ready and you may feel like you need more time. And both are totally okay! 

3. DON'T BE A BLABBER MOUTH

In today's world, it is easier than ever to tell everyone you know about everything going on in your life. Talking your way through divorce can definitely be a good thing. Share your feelings with a close group of friends and family. But do not go around bad mouthing your ex. It just isn't worth it. Take the high road and be as classy as you can when it comes to what is coming out of your mouth. Communities are small and word of mouth travels fast, especially when it comes to the bad stuff. And just be respectful. You were married to this person, you might have children together. Don't get into the habit of talking negatively about them. And most importantly, don't ever talk badly about your ex to your children. Nothing can be more destructive than that. Even when things were the absolute worse with my ex husband, I always made sure my children new that he loved them and that he was a good daddy. No matter what, our children have always been given the idea that we are great friends and that we are a team. This way, even though they know we are divorced, they still feel as if we are a family. That right there can be life changing for children with divorced parents. 

4. IN MY BEST SINGING VOICE... LET IT GO

It's true. Let it go. Sit down, write a list of the things that are absolutely most important to you regarding your divorce, and if it's not on that list, let it go. And don't be vengeful. Don't look for ways to hurt back. It will feel good for about 2 seconds before it blows up in your face. Your marriage didn't work out. You are still breathing. If there is something you are really hoping to get in your divorce, tell your ex. I bet there is something they want too. Work together and continue working together. If your ex cheated, you have every reason to feel hurt. But don't make them out to be a bad parent. One has nothing to do with the other. Decide what is most important to you. For us, it was a struggle to decide what summer vacations were going to look like. He wanted the kids out there for a long period of time. I thought they were too young. I didn't want them gone for that long. But eventually I just figured out that this is the time they have with their dad and their family. If they are truly struggling by being away from me, he will send them home. And let me tell you, they have never struggled. They love every minute of those trips and better yet... I get a nice little mommie vacation! As soon as you start looking for ways to work with your ex, I bet there is a good chance they will start looking for ways to work with you. It's all about give and take. Look for the positives and  let the stupid stuff go. 

5. LOOK FOR THE BLESSING IN THE STORM

Yup. This requires some faith. Every test we have in life comes from God. When I look back on my marriage and divorce, I am grateful to have been married and grateful to have become a mom through that marriage. But there were red flags on both sides from the beginning. Were we the best match? Not really. Were we way too young? Most definitely. I look at the woman that my ex married and I know that she is a way better wife to him than I ever was. She understands him in a way that I never did. And that's okay! Because now they have a sweet little girl and another on the way! My kids have all these grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles and siblings that love them. They don't just have a mom and a dad... they have a step mom too... and she loves them just like I do. We are all apart of this growing blended family and that is the blessing. The storm was all worth it. 

So if you are in the beginning stages of divorce, just know that you will survive. Cling to your family, your children, your friends and your Savior. Be kind. Be respectful. Remember that divorce is a two way street... there is a good chance that your ex is hurting too. GO FIND A THERAPIST AND NOT A DATING APP!!!!

And if you are already divorced, remember that there is still a life waiting for you. Don't look at this as a failure, but as a step to a better and happier you. God might have something so incredible planned for you... you just gotta hang on. 

Happy Wednesday!

XOXO

Jess