Willingness

Willingness.

My word for 2019. The word that took me like a solid month to come up with. I chose willingness because I know I can be quite stubborn. I often know exactly what I want and in most cases, I know what I deserve. But I veer off the path because what I want seems so out of reach. And it's all good, there is a lot to be learned when you veer off the path. My point is that it's easy to start to feel like what you really want is never going to happen. So I try and take short cuts or I try and find happiness in something that isn't right for me. I put energy into things that aren't really worthy of my time. But then again, I am still trying to talk myself into the idea that I am actually "worthy." (And that is a post in itself.)

I chose willingness because I knew that was a word that would change my way of thinking, it would change my life. To be willing is to be prepared to do something. To be ready. I'm the queen of being prepared, on time and organized. But somehow, willingness was still a word that really made me think. So back in January, I wrote down some things I was ready to do. 

1. I am ready to solidify by faith in God and not look back.

2. I am ready to do the work I need to do to maintain my health the best I can. 

3. I am ready to be patient, fall in love with the right person and be married. 

4. I am ready to put myself out there by writing and sharing stories of my own battles, in hopes of helping someone else. 

5. I am ready to be a fiercely devoted mom and work hard to be a good example to my children. 

6. I am ready to listen to my Heavenly Father's guidance and seek his guidance in all aspects of my life. 

This list came quite easy. But then came the hard part. The willingness. To be willing, again, is to be prepared, to be ready. Therefore, if I want to allow these things to happen in my life, I have to be ready. 

I have to have the knowledge of my MS and have knowledge on what healthy methods I can use to maintain good health. I also have to stick to a plan of healthy, clean eating and exercise that works for me. 

I have to be open and honest with myself about my beliefs in God and what I think is the right church for me and my children. I have to believe wholeheartedly that I am a daughter of God and I need to treat myself as such. I need to live a life that is fit for the daughter of a King. 

I have to stop dating guys that aren't in the same place that I am. Allow some relationships to come to an end because they aren't going anywhere. And then be okay with that. Believe in myself and my worth enough to stand up for myself and not let people take up time and energy that they don't deserve. 

I have to redirect myself a lot as a mom and not allow my anger or frustration to erupt like a volcano. (Easier said than done, by the way.) Forgive myself for not being perfect and realize that motherhood is a journey, not a destination. I have to be more nurturing and let my children know, see and hear how much I love and adore them. 

I need to carve out a little time to spend writing and reflecting, realizing that a lot of what I have gone through can potentially help someone else. Allowing myself to be a little vulnerable and let others in. 

I want to live life with intention and purpose. Life is a marathon, not a sprint. I want to take each day as an opportunity to better myself. I'm not going to change everything over night, even though I want to. I have to be patient and patience is not really my thing. But that's where the willingness comes in. I have to be willing to be patient, be mindful, listen intently. I have to be willing to be alone for the time being and let God bring me the right person at the right time. I have to be willing to stand out a little in my beliefs. I have to be willing to live the life God has planned for me, even if it's not the life I had imagined. Whatever He has planned is better than anything I could have dreamed of. But willingness is the key. And knowing you are loved and that you deserve the world is also the key! 

You deserve it all. Be intentional. Be purposeful. Be kind. Be all in. Be willing to live the life that was created just for you! 

You are awesome! 

Xoxo

Jess