Dating.
Dating.
Ugh. Nothing truly sounds worse to me than dating. Don't get me wrong... I love meeting new people, it's fun to get a little dressed up and feel like an actual woman and not just a mom in yoga pants. But Holy Hannah, dating as a single mom is truly one of the most difficult things on the planet.
First, there's the concept of time. I have three kids! Baseball, softball, board meetings, church activities and callings, school functions, play dates, laundry for days and just life in general. And I like to be in bed by 8:30. That means that I have to initially like a guy enough to stay out past 8:00. So there's the first step... find a guy that interests me enough over the phone to then plan a date in which I have to then put on REAL clothes, leave my kids, leave my house and then potentially stay out past my bedtime. (Not that late you creeps... I'm still a pretty big fan of being home by like 10:00. I know, I'm wild.)
Then there's the whole "get to know you" fun. I have to explain my divorce, baby daddy # 2, past relationships etc. Any guy with eyeballs will then see my scar on my neck and then I have to explain our accident. Then at some point I have to tell the poor sucker about my MS. It's at this point that I imagine any guy turning and running for dear life.
A part of me just wants to find a credible source that can just arrange a marriage. Like can I just skip dating all together??? Because half the male population doesn't want to date with the intention of marriage, they want to date with the intention of sex. And that makes me nauseous. The list of potential boyfriend/husband qualifications just gets longer and longer the older you get. What used to be a pretty short list is now extensive. I need a man who's a great dad to his own kids but will also love my kids and is okay with me having my kids about 99% of the time. If he shares custody, he could potentially see my kids more than his own. So he has to realllllly love my little tribe. I need a man who's not jealous or freaked out by my willingness to be friends and co parent successfully with my ex husband. I need a man who likes to cook because I hate it. He has to be okay with noise and chaos and all the fun that comes with three young children. He has to be a man of God, honorable, trust worthy and loyal. He needs to be patient, forgiving, hard working, and kind. My kids will have to absolutely love him and vice versa... I need to feel that love for his kids too.
And just like that, I'm exhausted.
The hardest part about dating as a single mom is that I'm not just dating for me, I'm dating to potentially find a husband and the man who could be a step father for my children. It's the truth. You can dance around that subject all day long but if you are a single mom and you have any hopes of getting married again, you are 100% dating to find a man that will not only love you, but also love your children. And that is where this whole thing can get really scary. It seems like people don't date with a real purpose anymore. They just date to go out and hook up. Like was I born in the wrong era? I'm not the girl who wants to swipe left and right. I'm the girl who wants the cute, romantic dates... a guy who opens up doors and maybe even brings flowers, even though those flowers will die in a week because I can't keep plants alive.
Just like Charlotte from Sex and the City, I've been dating since I was 14... and a part of me is exhausted. Did God forget to make me a person? I know that's not the case but sometimes it feels like it. Or did I miss him? Was he standing right in front of me and I was too stuck on someone else to notice? And I know that my Savior won't let me sit alone forever... but then there is the idea of timing and being patient. And we all know that patience is not my thing! But that is where I have to remember my faith and my devotion to my Heavenly Father. I know that continuing to let him lead me will eventually lead me to a man who loves me in a way that only God can provide. And he will somehow be okay with all that "get to know you" stuff. With the right man, all of that will just be a part of my story.
So all you single mamas (and dads too...) Don't give up. There is a soul out there for you somewhere. I'm not quite sure where you will find him. Maybe you will have to swipe left and right for a little while. Or maybe you'll be lucky and fall in love with someone who was your friend first. Or maybe you'll meet some cute guy in the produce aisle at Trader Joes. Who knows. But stay strong. If you want to date to just date, go for it! Have fun. Go out. Make out. Do your thing girl. And if you want to date with intention, then be intentional. Seek God's help and advice. Be strong and be bold.
You've got this. I've got this. But most importantly, God has this.
Xoxo
Jess
Ugh. Nothing truly sounds worse to me than dating. Don't get me wrong... I love meeting new people, it's fun to get a little dressed up and feel like an actual woman and not just a mom in yoga pants. But Holy Hannah, dating as a single mom is truly one of the most difficult things on the planet.
First, there's the concept of time. I have three kids! Baseball, softball, board meetings, church activities and callings, school functions, play dates, laundry for days and just life in general. And I like to be in bed by 8:30. That means that I have to initially like a guy enough to stay out past 8:00. So there's the first step... find a guy that interests me enough over the phone to then plan a date in which I have to then put on REAL clothes, leave my kids, leave my house and then potentially stay out past my bedtime. (Not that late you creeps... I'm still a pretty big fan of being home by like 10:00. I know, I'm wild.)
Then there's the whole "get to know you" fun. I have to explain my divorce, baby daddy # 2, past relationships etc. Any guy with eyeballs will then see my scar on my neck and then I have to explain our accident. Then at some point I have to tell the poor sucker about my MS. It's at this point that I imagine any guy turning and running for dear life.
A part of me just wants to find a credible source that can just arrange a marriage. Like can I just skip dating all together??? Because half the male population doesn't want to date with the intention of marriage, they want to date with the intention of sex. And that makes me nauseous. The list of potential boyfriend/husband qualifications just gets longer and longer the older you get. What used to be a pretty short list is now extensive. I need a man who's a great dad to his own kids but will also love my kids and is okay with me having my kids about 99% of the time. If he shares custody, he could potentially see my kids more than his own. So he has to realllllly love my little tribe. I need a man who's not jealous or freaked out by my willingness to be friends and co parent successfully with my ex husband. I need a man who likes to cook because I hate it. He has to be okay with noise and chaos and all the fun that comes with three young children. He has to be a man of God, honorable, trust worthy and loyal. He needs to be patient, forgiving, hard working, and kind. My kids will have to absolutely love him and vice versa... I need to feel that love for his kids too.
And just like that, I'm exhausted.
The hardest part about dating as a single mom is that I'm not just dating for me, I'm dating to potentially find a husband and the man who could be a step father for my children. It's the truth. You can dance around that subject all day long but if you are a single mom and you have any hopes of getting married again, you are 100% dating to find a man that will not only love you, but also love your children. And that is where this whole thing can get really scary. It seems like people don't date with a real purpose anymore. They just date to go out and hook up. Like was I born in the wrong era? I'm not the girl who wants to swipe left and right. I'm the girl who wants the cute, romantic dates... a guy who opens up doors and maybe even brings flowers, even though those flowers will die in a week because I can't keep plants alive.
Just like Charlotte from Sex and the City, I've been dating since I was 14... and a part of me is exhausted. Did God forget to make me a person? I know that's not the case but sometimes it feels like it. Or did I miss him? Was he standing right in front of me and I was too stuck on someone else to notice? And I know that my Savior won't let me sit alone forever... but then there is the idea of timing and being patient. And we all know that patience is not my thing! But that is where I have to remember my faith and my devotion to my Heavenly Father. I know that continuing to let him lead me will eventually lead me to a man who loves me in a way that only God can provide. And he will somehow be okay with all that "get to know you" stuff. With the right man, all of that will just be a part of my story.
So all you single mamas (and dads too...) Don't give up. There is a soul out there for you somewhere. I'm not quite sure where you will find him. Maybe you will have to swipe left and right for a little while. Or maybe you'll be lucky and fall in love with someone who was your friend first. Or maybe you'll meet some cute guy in the produce aisle at Trader Joes. Who knows. But stay strong. If you want to date to just date, go for it! Have fun. Go out. Make out. Do your thing girl. And if you want to date with intention, then be intentional. Seek God's help and advice. Be strong and be bold.
You've got this. I've got this. But most importantly, God has this.
Xoxo
Jess
I love your words and stories. xoxo
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