Contentment.
Happy Good Friday friends. I always feel such a sense of peace and calmness on this day. It was such a painful day in history, a man who had a perfect heart, he had done not a single thing wrong, yet was hung on a cross. But in the days after, so much love and happiness was brought to this earth. It's a day that symbolizes to me, that the sun will always rise again, even in the darkest of days. Love, faith and happiness can be restored and will be restored if you allow your heart to stay open.
As most of you know, Fridays are my therapy days. I started going to therapy back in November for a few different reasons. I was feeling very down, very confused, very sad and just felt like the trauma of the accident was creeping in and I didn't know what to do. My therapist remembers the girl that came in to her office that day as a girl who was shattered into a million pieces. She was not whole. She was a wreck. In the weeks following, my therapist would often text me and ask me if I was okay, mainly checking in to make sure I wasn't suicidal. I wasn't suicidal but I was to the point where I was okay with dying. I did not see a light at the end of the tunnel. The tunnel was dark, my vision was blurry and I was lost. And as therapy continued, more trauma would surface. I ended up with quite a list of traumatic experiences stemming back from the age of 14... all in which I would end up working through, piece by piece.
Back when I first started therapy, my goal was just to survive. Within a few weeks, I slowly created some other goals... I wanted to just feel happiness. I wanted to be in a place where I could find love and I wanted contentment.
Today, my therapist reminded me of those goals and today, we realized together that I am officially content.
I couldn't even believe it. I knew I was feeling good about life but I didn't realize I had made it to this place of contentment. I thought being content would mean I was in a really happy relationship, that I wasn't living pay check to pay check, that I was winning in all areas of life.
By definition, contentment means "A state of happiness and satisfaction." I might not have it all together but the beauty of contentment is knowing that I am happy and satisfied with knowing that I don't have it all together.
I am literally waiting on a tax return so that I can make my car payment, our deck is being torn apart and there are workers here making ridiculous amounts of noise all the F****** time... most would be a freakin wreck with all that going on. But guess what... the sun in shining, I have lots of fun projects going on, my kids are healthy and happy, it's baseball/softball season, every possible door that I want to have open is currently open to me. And I'm free. I did the work needed to help with my PTSD. I know how to handle it when it does grab a hold of me but my PTSD doesn't control me anymore. And neither does my MS. My MS is a part of me, it's not my whole life. And now I'm able to help others. I am creating the most amazing friendships with those that I am able to help. And they end up helping me in return. Together we end up moving through these troubled waters hand in hand.
I'm happily as single as I have ever been... like no romantic prospects anywhere in sight. And I am 100% happy with that. And I know now that I'm fully capable of living a great life as a single mom. My tank is full in every single way. I have so many people in my life that I just love and I know they love me. It doesn't get much better than that!
Life is crazy. The very things I thought I would need to be happy are the things that I am learning to live without. And there is a sense of freedom that comes with that understanding. I know that things will continue to pop up or maybe cause a little trouble here and there, but through therapy and through just learning to listen to my own heart and mind, I know that the waves that will come don't have to completely sink me anymore. I have the tools and the knowledge to allow those waves to teach me and mold me.
I can do hard things. I can live and not be in survival mode anymore. I am done waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am here to live. I am here to love and I am here to share my story and I am here to help others. I am here to celebrate.
Thank you for letting me share on here. Your support and your willingness to listen means so much to me.
Happy Good Friday y'all. I love you all so much.
Xoxo
Jess
As most of you know, Fridays are my therapy days. I started going to therapy back in November for a few different reasons. I was feeling very down, very confused, very sad and just felt like the trauma of the accident was creeping in and I didn't know what to do. My therapist remembers the girl that came in to her office that day as a girl who was shattered into a million pieces. She was not whole. She was a wreck. In the weeks following, my therapist would often text me and ask me if I was okay, mainly checking in to make sure I wasn't suicidal. I wasn't suicidal but I was to the point where I was okay with dying. I did not see a light at the end of the tunnel. The tunnel was dark, my vision was blurry and I was lost. And as therapy continued, more trauma would surface. I ended up with quite a list of traumatic experiences stemming back from the age of 14... all in which I would end up working through, piece by piece.
Back when I first started therapy, my goal was just to survive. Within a few weeks, I slowly created some other goals... I wanted to just feel happiness. I wanted to be in a place where I could find love and I wanted contentment.
Today, my therapist reminded me of those goals and today, we realized together that I am officially content.
I couldn't even believe it. I knew I was feeling good about life but I didn't realize I had made it to this place of contentment. I thought being content would mean I was in a really happy relationship, that I wasn't living pay check to pay check, that I was winning in all areas of life.
By definition, contentment means "A state of happiness and satisfaction." I might not have it all together but the beauty of contentment is knowing that I am happy and satisfied with knowing that I don't have it all together.
I am literally waiting on a tax return so that I can make my car payment, our deck is being torn apart and there are workers here making ridiculous amounts of noise all the F****** time... most would be a freakin wreck with all that going on. But guess what... the sun in shining, I have lots of fun projects going on, my kids are healthy and happy, it's baseball/softball season, every possible door that I want to have open is currently open to me. And I'm free. I did the work needed to help with my PTSD. I know how to handle it when it does grab a hold of me but my PTSD doesn't control me anymore. And neither does my MS. My MS is a part of me, it's not my whole life. And now I'm able to help others. I am creating the most amazing friendships with those that I am able to help. And they end up helping me in return. Together we end up moving through these troubled waters hand in hand.
I'm happily as single as I have ever been... like no romantic prospects anywhere in sight. And I am 100% happy with that. And I know now that I'm fully capable of living a great life as a single mom. My tank is full in every single way. I have so many people in my life that I just love and I know they love me. It doesn't get much better than that!
Life is crazy. The very things I thought I would need to be happy are the things that I am learning to live without. And there is a sense of freedom that comes with that understanding. I know that things will continue to pop up or maybe cause a little trouble here and there, but through therapy and through just learning to listen to my own heart and mind, I know that the waves that will come don't have to completely sink me anymore. I have the tools and the knowledge to allow those waves to teach me and mold me.
I can do hard things. I can live and not be in survival mode anymore. I am done waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am here to live. I am here to love and I am here to share my story and I am here to help others. I am here to celebrate.
Thank you for letting me share on here. Your support and your willingness to listen means so much to me.
Happy Good Friday y'all. I love you all so much.
Xoxo
Jess
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