Trauma.
Trauma.
It's the new normal for me. Dealing with it on a daily basis. Finding ways to cope. Letting it come and sit for a while and then allowing it to leave.
As a little girl who sat on a windowsill and often dreamed of a life to come, trauma and PTSD were not quite what I dreamed about.
As I have mentioned before, I have probably had PTSD for about 15 years. But growing up, I didn't know there was even such a thing and I certainly wasn't given any kind of tools to deal with it. My first round of traumatic experiences started at 14. But I didn't even really acknowledge the trauma or the pain and suffering that followed until recently. As I started to explain my life to my therapist about five months ago, she noticed quite quickly that I was practically a professional at sweeping all emotions under the rug. That's what I had been taught growing up. You don't really show much in the ways of emotion. You just get on with life. Let that shit go. Move on. Trauma became a second language to me overtime.
I had six traumatic experiences all before 2014.
After I had Lola, I practically lived in fight or flight mode. And I lived there for a while. And then I was in a good relationship with an extraordinary man who taught me that I didn't have to run anymore. I could sit. I could relax. He wasn't going to hurt me. I learned to relax and enjoy life. I learned to live outside the walls of fight or flight.
I was going through a lot right before we had our big accident. Obviously, our accident in September was an incredibly traumatic experience. And following that accident, I had an additional four major traumatic experiences between November and February. Each experience brought out portions of past PTSD... when I chose to seek out a therapist, I was in a state of mind that I can't really explain. I was numb. I didn't know where to begin the healing process but I truly didn't think healing completely was every possible.
I apologize for not willing to share all the details of all of the experiences. But trust me, they were traumatic and they impacted my life. The hard part was that all of the early on traumatic experiences meant nothing to me at the time. I didn't know how to cope so I just moved forward. As I look back, I see such a pattern in my life of trying to constantly find myself after these experiences. I wanted to find meaning and lessons within them but I didn't know how. I feel sad for my "younger" self. Poor girl had no freakin clue. But the girl I am now knows how to deal. I have learned.
Today in therapy, I cried. (Ask those close to me how rare this is! Ha!) I have been in therapy since November and this is the first time I have actually had tears come out of my eyes. For once in my life, I have no distractions. No boyfriend. No almost boyfriends. No chaos. Nothing to keep me from truly feeling all the feelings. I have been left to deal with a lot at this time and to be quite honest, it feels really good. It feels good to just feel. It feels good to know that I am moving through all of this grief and all of this trauma. Up until this point, it has all felt very overwhelming. But I think I have finally come to terms with the idea that allowing all of this to come, sit for a while and then allow this trauma and this pain to leave, I will finally feel peace. I will finally feel like the weight is off my shoulders. I will finally be able to move forward and not feel so torn to pieces.
For years, I have felt this shame and this guilt. I have felt like I wasn't good enough. Trauma and the inability to process such intense emotions can leave you feeling all sorts of crazy things. I wasn't able to move through my adolescence and figure out who I was. Most of that has taken place in my 20's. I want my 30's to be full of contentment.
The past six months has been exhausting. But the growth that has taken place has been worth it and I'm grateful. Now it is time to continue to let the grief and the trauma pass through and then say goodbye to it. This girl is no longer living in a fight or flight state of mind. This girl is living in a better place. But this girl has also learned to say no. I find joy is saying no to things that don't suit me at this particular space in my life. I don't have to let EVERYONE in. I don't have to let EVERYONE stay. I don't have to carry the weight of EVERYONE else's burdens on my shoulders. I can just take care of me... and my sweet babies.
Trauma has a way of changing you forever. I will never be the same girl I was before. I will never be the same girl I was six months ago. I will never be the same girl I was even just three months ago. I am a girl on a path to healing. The girl who lived here before didn't know the power and the joy of healing. All she knew was pain, sticking a band-aid on it and callin it a day!
Thank you to all of you who are on this path with me. So many of you play such a huge role... I just love you all so much. If you are a person who is hurting, please reach out. Healing feels so good. I promise. You don't have to hurt anymore. You don't have to live in a place of pain. Trauma isn't allowed to stay forever if you don't want it to.
You are amazing. You are awesome. You are worth every ray of sunshine that can be found on this earth.
Xoxo,
Jess
It's the new normal for me. Dealing with it on a daily basis. Finding ways to cope. Letting it come and sit for a while and then allowing it to leave.
As a little girl who sat on a windowsill and often dreamed of a life to come, trauma and PTSD were not quite what I dreamed about.
As I have mentioned before, I have probably had PTSD for about 15 years. But growing up, I didn't know there was even such a thing and I certainly wasn't given any kind of tools to deal with it. My first round of traumatic experiences started at 14. But I didn't even really acknowledge the trauma or the pain and suffering that followed until recently. As I started to explain my life to my therapist about five months ago, she noticed quite quickly that I was practically a professional at sweeping all emotions under the rug. That's what I had been taught growing up. You don't really show much in the ways of emotion. You just get on with life. Let that shit go. Move on. Trauma became a second language to me overtime.
I had six traumatic experiences all before 2014.
After I had Lola, I practically lived in fight or flight mode. And I lived there for a while. And then I was in a good relationship with an extraordinary man who taught me that I didn't have to run anymore. I could sit. I could relax. He wasn't going to hurt me. I learned to relax and enjoy life. I learned to live outside the walls of fight or flight.
I was going through a lot right before we had our big accident. Obviously, our accident in September was an incredibly traumatic experience. And following that accident, I had an additional four major traumatic experiences between November and February. Each experience brought out portions of past PTSD... when I chose to seek out a therapist, I was in a state of mind that I can't really explain. I was numb. I didn't know where to begin the healing process but I truly didn't think healing completely was every possible.
I apologize for not willing to share all the details of all of the experiences. But trust me, they were traumatic and they impacted my life. The hard part was that all of the early on traumatic experiences meant nothing to me at the time. I didn't know how to cope so I just moved forward. As I look back, I see such a pattern in my life of trying to constantly find myself after these experiences. I wanted to find meaning and lessons within them but I didn't know how. I feel sad for my "younger" self. Poor girl had no freakin clue. But the girl I am now knows how to deal. I have learned.
Today in therapy, I cried. (Ask those close to me how rare this is! Ha!) I have been in therapy since November and this is the first time I have actually had tears come out of my eyes. For once in my life, I have no distractions. No boyfriend. No almost boyfriends. No chaos. Nothing to keep me from truly feeling all the feelings. I have been left to deal with a lot at this time and to be quite honest, it feels really good. It feels good to just feel. It feels good to know that I am moving through all of this grief and all of this trauma. Up until this point, it has all felt very overwhelming. But I think I have finally come to terms with the idea that allowing all of this to come, sit for a while and then allow this trauma and this pain to leave, I will finally feel peace. I will finally feel like the weight is off my shoulders. I will finally be able to move forward and not feel so torn to pieces.
For years, I have felt this shame and this guilt. I have felt like I wasn't good enough. Trauma and the inability to process such intense emotions can leave you feeling all sorts of crazy things. I wasn't able to move through my adolescence and figure out who I was. Most of that has taken place in my 20's. I want my 30's to be full of contentment.
The past six months has been exhausting. But the growth that has taken place has been worth it and I'm grateful. Now it is time to continue to let the grief and the trauma pass through and then say goodbye to it. This girl is no longer living in a fight or flight state of mind. This girl is living in a better place. But this girl has also learned to say no. I find joy is saying no to things that don't suit me at this particular space in my life. I don't have to let EVERYONE in. I don't have to let EVERYONE stay. I don't have to carry the weight of EVERYONE else's burdens on my shoulders. I can just take care of me... and my sweet babies.
Trauma has a way of changing you forever. I will never be the same girl I was before. I will never be the same girl I was six months ago. I will never be the same girl I was even just three months ago. I am a girl on a path to healing. The girl who lived here before didn't know the power and the joy of healing. All she knew was pain, sticking a band-aid on it and callin it a day!
Thank you to all of you who are on this path with me. So many of you play such a huge role... I just love you all so much. If you are a person who is hurting, please reach out. Healing feels so good. I promise. You don't have to hurt anymore. You don't have to live in a place of pain. Trauma isn't allowed to stay forever if you don't want it to.
You are amazing. You are awesome. You are worth every ray of sunshine that can be found on this earth.
Xoxo,
Jess
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