Real Talk.
There is nothing overly positive about this post... this is purely a venting session. So if you are hoping to find true inspiration... this ain't the place. At least not today. But if you are having a rough day or you are in a rough season of life, then this post will hopefully help you realize that you are not alone.
I try to stay as positive as possible and today I can tell you that I am positive that life is really F****** hard. And not every day is like this. Some days are just harder than others. Last week I swear I was overly happy. That's the thing about trauma, about life, about whatever it is that you're going through... there can be great days and then all of a sudden, you're hit with a bad day and it can feel like you've taken ten steps backwards. And that's how today has felt.
I was hit with an overwhelming feeling of guilt.
I know... Me? Guilt? No way! HA! I swear, I am the guiltiest, not guilty person on the planet.
I'm dealing with a legal situation right now that is stemming from PTSD and a New Year's Eve party gone wrong. It will take a little time to navigate through it all but there is such a feeling of humiliation, sadness and guilt that has followed. And every time I take a minute to deal with the "situation"... the anger from our accident comes to the surface.
I'm so incredibly angry that we were hit by that truck that day in September. And at the same time, I know that accident had to happen because there have been huge blessings that have stemmed from that horrible day. I've connected with so many people because of that day. I've been able to learn more and help others who suffer from PTSD. It's a part of our journey now and I know that journey has a purpose.
But why can't the blessings just happen on their own? Why is it that in my life, blessings seem to come along with the darkest of days? Like why couldn't I have just stumbled into a therapy appointment, on my own free will, and worked through the trauma I had been hiding from most of my life? Why did we need a semi truck to hit us? Was there no other way?
God knows I'm here... why all the tests? Is my faith not big enough?
Am I just stubborn as hell?
Is this Satan just trying to really throw me off my game?
WHY??????
Or am I just the really strong person whom God likes to use as an example? Because at the end of each day, no matter how shitty it was, or how alone I felt, I'm on my knees praying and thanking Him for every single part of my life. Is my faith so strong that God sees so many more opportunities to use me for his glory?
But when will enough be enough? Am I going to be tested like this my whole life? Cause ya'll... I am exhausted. Like my heart is tired. My lungs are tired. My brain is tired. Mentally and emotionally, I feel drained.
I pray daily to be given chances to glorify God but I also pray for peace and contentment and simplicity. Can't I glorify God while sitting on my small dream farm, rocking on a porch swing with a cute husband and a yard full of kids and chickens??? Does God think I won't look to Him when things are good, the same way I do now?
AM I MAKIN ANY SENSE??? Maybe the California heat is getting to me! HA!
Or maybe this is just one of those days. A day that just kinda sucks. A day that humbles you. A day that forces you to just vent and get it all out there and then pray harder. A day that forces you to remember the journey you have been on. Or maybe it's a day that just makes you realize how much healing you have left to do.
On days like today... try to remember...
"For I know the plans I have for you." declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29-11
I don't know how everything will turn out in this life. But my prayers will continue, my faith will grow stronger and I will continue to look for ways to glorify God... even on the darkest of days.
If you need a hug today... here it is! You are loved. You are not alone.
Xoxo,
Jess
I try to stay as positive as possible and today I can tell you that I am positive that life is really F****** hard. And not every day is like this. Some days are just harder than others. Last week I swear I was overly happy. That's the thing about trauma, about life, about whatever it is that you're going through... there can be great days and then all of a sudden, you're hit with a bad day and it can feel like you've taken ten steps backwards. And that's how today has felt.
I was hit with an overwhelming feeling of guilt.
I know... Me? Guilt? No way! HA! I swear, I am the guiltiest, not guilty person on the planet.
I'm dealing with a legal situation right now that is stemming from PTSD and a New Year's Eve party gone wrong. It will take a little time to navigate through it all but there is such a feeling of humiliation, sadness and guilt that has followed. And every time I take a minute to deal with the "situation"... the anger from our accident comes to the surface.
I'm so incredibly angry that we were hit by that truck that day in September. And at the same time, I know that accident had to happen because there have been huge blessings that have stemmed from that horrible day. I've connected with so many people because of that day. I've been able to learn more and help others who suffer from PTSD. It's a part of our journey now and I know that journey has a purpose.
But why can't the blessings just happen on their own? Why is it that in my life, blessings seem to come along with the darkest of days? Like why couldn't I have just stumbled into a therapy appointment, on my own free will, and worked through the trauma I had been hiding from most of my life? Why did we need a semi truck to hit us? Was there no other way?
God knows I'm here... why all the tests? Is my faith not big enough?
Am I just stubborn as hell?
Is this Satan just trying to really throw me off my game?
WHY??????
Or am I just the really strong person whom God likes to use as an example? Because at the end of each day, no matter how shitty it was, or how alone I felt, I'm on my knees praying and thanking Him for every single part of my life. Is my faith so strong that God sees so many more opportunities to use me for his glory?
But when will enough be enough? Am I going to be tested like this my whole life? Cause ya'll... I am exhausted. Like my heart is tired. My lungs are tired. My brain is tired. Mentally and emotionally, I feel drained.
I pray daily to be given chances to glorify God but I also pray for peace and contentment and simplicity. Can't I glorify God while sitting on my small dream farm, rocking on a porch swing with a cute husband and a yard full of kids and chickens??? Does God think I won't look to Him when things are good, the same way I do now?
AM I MAKIN ANY SENSE??? Maybe the California heat is getting to me! HA!
Or maybe this is just one of those days. A day that just kinda sucks. A day that humbles you. A day that forces you to just vent and get it all out there and then pray harder. A day that forces you to remember the journey you have been on. Or maybe it's a day that just makes you realize how much healing you have left to do.
On days like today... try to remember...
"For I know the plans I have for you." declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29-11
I don't know how everything will turn out in this life. But my prayers will continue, my faith will grow stronger and I will continue to look for ways to glorify God... even on the darkest of days.
If you need a hug today... here it is! You are loved. You are not alone.
Xoxo,
Jess
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