One year.

I have given myself permission to not do anything tomorrow so I'm writing this today. And I wish I could give you a very peppy HAPPY MONDAY... but it just ain't happenin today. And that's okay. I think that is what I have learned the most in the last couple months... sometimes it's okay to not be okay. And this week, I am fully accepting of the fact that I'm gonna be sad/mad/angry/grateful/blessed/uncomfortable/grieving etc. 

A year ago... 

We were in a car accident that really could have taken all of our lives. It almost took the life of my sweet Aven June. But she fought hard and she made it. We all did. And yes, I am beyond grateful that we did survive that day. But that doesn't mean I am not allowed to be incredibly sad and angry as this day comes and goes. The amount of trauma, the amount of time lost, the memories, the nightmares, the fears... those are all still apart of our every day life. And perhaps that is the hardest part of this whole ordeal. I'd happily break my neck again if I could just regain a sense of normalcy in my life. If I could just get a good night sleep or drive home and not be reminded every time I pass by our the crash site. If I could drive and not see the type of truck that hit us and instantly get a little knot in my stomach. If I could get back those few months where I was completely emotionally and mentally numb. Yes, it's been a year since we were in that horrific accident. But every day for a year has been a battle that I wouldn't wish on anyone. 

My therapist said it best today... bless her heart and her use of cuss words... I love her. 

"Jessica you are in the shittiest part of this process. You are the thick of it and it's just shit."

And she's right. I'm in the thick of this healing process. And with that comes depression, anxiety, panic, fear. There are days and nights where I just don't know if I will ever feel like myself again. I know I will... but in those moments, where the sadness and the anxiety creep in, I can't convince myself that tomorrow will be better. I truly just have to sit in those tough moments because going through them allows me to let go of some of the pain. And I know that there will come a day that I won't feel this way anymore but that day isn't today and it's probably not tomorrow. But it will happen. In the mean time, I have to allow myself to just feel. I have to allow myself to feel the shit and then allow myself to let it go. And I'm not just talking about the accident. Through this process I have learned that I have held on to so much through out my life. All sorts of fears and anxieties that I have allowed to stay for far too long. I guess that is the blessing in this storm... going to therapy after the accident has allowed me to look back on my life and see things in a different light. I've been able to start the process of dealing and healing from traumas that I never had the chance to before. It hasn't been pretty... let me tell you. But it has to happen. The ugly stuff has to be brought into the light. So that is what the accident has done for me. It's allowed me to see the ugly stuff and bring it to the surface. So now that I have dealt with a lot of it... it's time to heal from it. 

What does healing look like? 

That is what I have been trying to figure out lately. And honestly, sometimes it looks like me laying on the couch watching some sappy love story, bawling my eyes out. Sometimes it looks like me going on a walk by myself. Some days it's me taking a really hot and really long bubble bath. Sometimes it looks like me just sleeping. Because this is a really exhausting process. Sometimes it looks like me taking any natural supplement that says it will help calm my mind. Other times it looks like me choosing to take an anti depressant just for a little added support. Sometimes healing looks like me getting to share my story and offer support to someone else. 

Healing looks different for everyone. And as long as it's productive... there is no right or wrong way to muddle through this shitty f****** process. But somehow, someway, I will get through this and so will you. As long as you keep choosing to put one foot in front of the other, there will come a day where the pain won't sting you as bad. You'll never forget but you don't have to spend everyday gasping for air either. 

I encourage you though to reach out. Find a therapist. Find a doctor. Find a church. Find friends that you can call or text in the middle of the night when you are struggling to breathe. Find a gym or a place to hike. Find good vitamins and get good sleep. We are given the chance every morning to live. So go live. But understand that there will be days where living might feel overwhelming. And that is okay. Those are the days where you reach out. Those are the moments where you cry out to God, with tears streaming down your face, ask Him to take this pain, take this anxiety. Pray for peace, pray for rest. 

You are not alone friend. Healing is hard but it's beautiful. 

Xoxo,

Jess